Dear Taha

Salaam

Sorry, ladies (and to some of you men out there, too). I'm afraid the rumors out there are in fact true. Taha Ghani is now Mr. Taha Yusuf. In other words, he's engaged to a very fortunate person named Sana Yusuf.

While I'm typically one who gets all "girly" about this type of thing, I think that in fairness to T-Man I should tell him how I actually feel. So I thought I would share this impending letter that I'm writing to him:

Dear Taha,

'F' you, dude. Yeah, that's right. I said it. 'F' YOU! Who the frick do you think you are to up and get engaged on a niggah? Who gave you the right to take your life to the next natural, expected, and about-fricken-time step? AND without seeking prior written approval from me (hey look, dude, verbal approval just doesn't cut it these days)? What exactly can Sana offer you that I can't? Well, you fricken sellout, let me break some things down for you before you close the book on me and everything that is good:

This is what a girl (i.e., Sana) offers you:

1. Physical companionship. (Note to reader: Is it bad that I list physical companionship as the first thing?)
2. Mental companionship.
3. Laughter.
4. Additional financial resources.

Like I can't provide you any of that? LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING THAT FOR YEARS, YOU JERK?! Nearly a decade of endless bliss and you wanna throw it out because of the above mentioned and relatively insignificant points? Frick that, man.

This is what I can (and still am willing, by the way) to offer you:

1. You need physical companionship, huh? I mean, was it not just two weekends ago that you were in MY bedroom in MY bed with Ahmed Hassan and me? How special was that?* And don't tell me that the McCabe years all of a sudden is forgotten? How many times as college roommates, did you look across to my bed, which was no more than two feet away, and just either jump in or stare at me? Dude, when you have friendship like that, you no longer are in need of physical comforts. You have spirituality. (Take that, Sana!!)

*Note: We're not gay. Just passionate.

2. Emotional companionship. Niggah please! 'F' that emotional crap. We're Punjabis. All we need in life is Daler Mehndi and food. I mean, we both mashaAllah have mothers that cook, yo! Done and done.

3. Laughter? You want a girl that makes you laugh? Sana gives you laughter? What the hell am I doing then when I take my shirt off and reveal buddha? Do you think you can seriously laugh much more than when you see me without a shirt? (Wait a second...that isn't funny.) Okay, so how about my hysterically awesome Google Videos? Where are Sana's, I ask? Uh huh. That's what I thought. How about driving down Michigan Ave with the Prince listening to MJ, hollerin at the females (Sana: That's ME hollering at the females, NOT Taha!), and scaring the rich white folks? How classic is that?

4. Money? You want more money, you greedy son of a Rajpoothi? Making my salary in just a few weeks isn't enough (mashaAllah and inshaAllah) for you? You have to marry an Oakbrook baller that has a house the size of a city block (mashAllah)? The daughter of the owner of the Halal KFC? ...

Hmm. You're onto something there, aren't you? Damn. Hey, now that I think of it, does she have a sister...?

With love, Imran

;)