Power Rankings of Friends: Ground Rules

Hey

Always looking to stir up some controversy, this potentially new perennial Power Rankings (PR) of Friends is being written for a couple reasons:

1. I once debated the idea of writing a PR for my friends’ wives when I was single. No, not based on looks, you dirty-minded fools, but based upon who I got along with the most. At the time, I considered Princess’, T-Wade’s, and AJ’s women until (a) my friends, especially T, told me it was going to be a really bad idea and create tears in the fabric of our community and (b) I realized that none of those wives particularly liked me or treated me too well due to their raging jealousy of the indisputable fact that their husbands prefer me over them. And so an otherwise brilliant idea was crushed.



2. I have no friends here in Danbury, so it makes me appreciate my friends even more, which of course means that I have to categorize them like it’s high school all over. You can't really appreciate anything or anyone unless you objectify them. Words to live by, folks...

For those that are already smitten with this idea, I am afraid to inform you that there are going to be some ground rules (GRs) established. Call it being-a-dad, but GRs are important even though, like any good rule, they can be broken when it's convenient (for me). I intend in this blog post to first establish the GRs and then subsequently issue the PRs for 2011.

And, now, the GRs...

Ground Rules for the Power Rankings of Friends:

A. The Bonds of Brotherhood Rule: I will not be including my brothers on the PR list because, while they are certainly my friends, they are my bros and no one can really be compared to them, Alhamdullilah. They stand tall in a league all to themselves. [1]

B. The AJ is My Homie and The Fourth Shakur Rule (aka The AJIMHATFS Rule): AJ, out of fairness to others, cannot be factored. Assume moving forward that he has secured the #1 spot, so truly, the #1 person you will see below will be #1* (note asterisk usage, which ties back to The AJIMHATFS Rule).

C. The BIL Rule: I am a happily married man, Alhamdullilah, and therefore including HP in the PR, as much as I want to, will not be allowed simply because I am not only afraid of my wife and potentially #whipped, but he just so happens to be the one and only mamujaan to my daughter, so I guess you can say that I am #doublewhipped. Besides, could you imagine my wife’s reaction when she sees HP at the bottom of the PR list EVERY year?! [2]

D. The HEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEeee Rule (aka The T Rule): NOTE: This rule is under review. T will not be included either. While this guy could’ve easily been a Fourth Shakur as well, he instead lives in perpetual fear of my family due to his belief that, to this day, they hate him. My Dear T, That was only fresh year, bro. OK, maybe junior year, too, when we dormed together, but still…get over it. Tragically, this rule, while currently in place due to a lot of history/bangin', is under review at this time because T has fallen victim to The OB (Oakbrook) lifestyle. Under this influence, I have seen more Facebook check-ins of T at fancy hibachi restaurants in Naperville and at his in-laws than check-ins with me. It’s traumatizing, but what can I do? Also, he happens to be the father of Lil RG, Alhamdullilah, so I cannot give him too much slack should I have hopes for the future of this relationship.

E. The Eswft Rule: NOTE: This rule is under review. As much as Erik has fallen off the map, it’s nonetheless Erik and what I have come to expect of him since our post-DePaul days so he is exempted from the PR, too. Given the amount of history/bangin' and the fact that when we see each other (rarely) it’s like we’re back at Seton Hall all over again, this rule remains in tact; however, I cannot in good conscience ignore the fact of his increasing lack of attention towards moi. Erik, step your game up in ’12, son!

F. The Panda Rule (aka The Love-Hate Relationship Rule): Note: This rule is being considered to being put under review. You know how you see those relationship statuses on social networking sites that say, “It’s complicated?” Well, the people who came up with that definitely had Panda and me in mind. Virtually speaking, Farooq definitely has grounds to be ineligible to have a GR for him as he enjoys being a jerk to me via email and text. But then he non-virtually does things that are amazing like surprise visits to Do-Me-Bury, random gifts like chocolate covered pomegranates, etc. (MBN to be me / ma sha Allah). So it’s mostly because of the “hate” periods of our relationship that this rule is being considered to be under review, but the “love” periods of our relationship block the immediate review.

There are definitely other GRs that I can establish here and justify. For example, I could create one for KR out of tariqa-based loyalties alone; or Zoobear because he’s just too freaking funny; or A2 for being an overall stallion of a guy. But then I’ll be traveling down a path of creating GRs for everyone with obvious exception to Princess Hassan. And, let me be clear about this, readers, there’s no way I can live with myself for having Princess be #1 in my PR of Friends [3].

Alright, folks. That concludes the officials GRs. I'll see you guys back here soon with the first ever PR.


Side Notes:
[1] Although why not create a PR system between them two? Normally I would say that the #1 spot in this Brothers PR List would be the bro that buys me stuff, but that’s too easy. So why not have it geared towards my daughter instead? The #1 spot would then be the brother who spoils her the most. If it just so happens that this would result in buying things for me, as I’m sure my daughter’s happiness is also rooted in part in my own, then so be it…
[2] Sorry, I could not resist getting in that last line…

[3] Yep, you guessed it. That entire paragraph was crafted as a loophole here with my friends to hopefully make them know that I heart them all. And to continuously point out my hatred for Princess.




cheers