Nanga, Nanga Shame, Shame!

Greetings

It’s finally getting warmer out here, folks [note: as of last week when I began writing this post; right now it’s kinda cold…again!]. We’ve had consecutive days where the weather has been above 50 degrees and a couple times we reached the 70 degree mark. We all know that during this time of the year the city comes to life. The sun shines pleasantly – on most days – on the people of the Chicago land area. And it’s actually still bright outside when you leave work. In some extremes cases, the phenom weather actually makes people want to come home earlier.

And so on the note of speaking on extremes, I thought I would point out that the gradual rise in temperature brings about other phenomena; namely, the almost sudden rise in women’s clothing and, in harmonious symphony, a rise in the eyebrows of many men…

…many men, to clarify, who aren’t happily married like me, mashaAllah.

While some may take joy in this time “honored” tradition, others may question it specifically asking, “WTF is up with that?”

Well, I’ll tell you what’s up with that:

It has been the observation of this humble blog writer and revered scientist that as soon as we reach 50 degrees, the gora people of this beautiful land instantaneously change into half naked people who have been wanting to free their bodies (clearly not their minds!); as though they have been harnessed in restraints for an entire winter against some sort of unspoken code on human ethics that is lost on “traditionalists” but ever present in Western ideology. Oh, by the way, when you read “restraints” I hope you read it as I intended here: clothing.

In order for me to better grasp this, I took the liberty of analyzing gora people and am now posting my scientific findings here in what many consider to be the most heralded online scientific journal ever – my blog. Undoubtedly, based on these findings you will draw the same conclusions I have: Gora people posses a genetic disposition to not want to wear clothes. My empirical data speaks for itself.

Consider Exhibit A (John Doe) [note to reader: there is no Exhibit B, C, D, etc. Just Exhibit A because it was pretty dang convincing]:

On a brisk Saturday morning in early March, the weather is 40 degrees and John Doe sits at home comfortably wearing his Abercrombie & Fitch fall attire while eating a bowl of Cheerios with fresh cut strawberries. He is completely aloof to the weather and why shouldn’t he be? 40 degrees isn’t bad for a Chicagoan, but John has the right idea; stay at home and relax.

As John finishes up his morning cup of Starbucks he brews every morning (roasted blend – whatever that means), the weather slowly begins to rise. By midafternoon we’ve reached 50 degrees and soon find John Doe in plaid shorts with a white belt that came with the shorts and a lilac colored Ralph Lauren polo. (Yep, Exhibit A is based in Naperville.)

Ok, wait, so you’re probably thinking: Hey, Mr. man.myth.legened.sufi.lover.fighter.punjabi, how does this prove that gora people are genetically altered to not to want to wear clothes? After all, this could be speaking about any desi person outside of Bolingbook.

How astute you are, I would respond. But, let’s look at this closer.

What I purposely left out are the in-between steps from wearing clothing (WC) to lesser clothing (LC). So, in math terms, that’s LC = (WC + x) where x = good weather. In programming terms, that’s:

IF WC = Wearing Clothing and LC = Lesser Clothing
THEN LC = WC
IF weather_variable returns an integer value of 50 or more
ELSE LC != WC; return error

Math and geek-talk aside, what I also left out is the struggle for the gora person during that evolutionary process between WC and LC. For our younger audience, you may not want to continue reading…

While the weather slowly increased that day, so did John Doe’s awareness that the sun was getting stronger, which interestingly lends itself to an explanation on why so many gora folks love Superman. But I digress. After drinking his coffee, John’s senses were at their best:

At 10:49am, it’s 45 degrees. John cracks open a window and reduces his home's heat. Hmm, he thinks to himself. Seems like it’s getting warmer. John doesn’t bother to check the weather online, on his phone, or TV because he doesn’t need to because being a Chicagoan, John doesn’t let this get the best of him knowing full well that The Windy City’s weather changes on the fly.

At Noon, it’s 48 degrees. Wow, John murmurs in muffled excitement. It’s really heating up. John opens two more windows and turns off his heating.

At 1:03pm, it’s 49 degrees. This is dangerous. John is confused. It’s 49 degrees. One degree away from nanga-ness (i.e. 50 degree threshold). One degree away from freedom, but John is held back almost inexplicably. Oh My God, John remarks. I’m totally being teased right now. He lets out a chuckle, but a nervous chuckle more so for his own benefit to calm his nerves. It’s ok. It will come.

At 1:17pm, it’s 49.3 degrees. John begins pacing around. He yells, I KNOW IT’S GONE UP! I KNOW IT IS COMING! I couldn’t help to notice a few beads of sweat above his brow at this point.

At 1:32pm, it’s 49.8 degrees. Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! (Yes, he actually says that aloud; keep in mind he is gora, people.) John is hysterical. He’s frantically running all over his house. As a world renowned scientist, even I thought this interaction by Exhibit A was amazing to witness. You could feel a Hulk-like event was inevitable. No, maybe even like a Spiderman-Venom-like event. Except this time Venom is his Abercrombie & Fitch fall attire. He keeps trying to peel it off of his body, but the clothes are not being removed. Holy crap! No, that wasn’t John, but me. I was shocked because I had just discovered that Abercrombie & Fitch is in fact a part of gora people’s skin and not their clothing wardrobe! This was becoming gruesome…

John was going Nancy Kerrigan. WHY ME?! He couldn’t take it.

1:38pm. 49.92 degrees. Impulsively, John opens his garage door without the need to drive anywhere (signaling to others that he’s at home and ready to enjoy the weather and hopes they are, too). Despite it being so close, John is unable to tear himself away from his clothing. At this point, John didn’t need more yellow sun like Superman, he didn’t need to get angrier like Hulk, nor did he need to outsmart Venom like Spiderman. What John needed, as I came to learn in my research of watching John over-and-over again, was Starbucks and this time his home blend Starbucks would not do the trick. He needed to go to a Starbucks cafe.

And so instinctively, John darts to a local Starbucks, which, translated into Naperville-speak, is: “And so instinctively, John darts two blocks down his street to pure local bliss.” All the while John is tugging and pulling at his own body trying to remove the Abercrombie & Fitch skin graft screaming, DUDE! YOU’VE HAD YOUR TIME! LEAVE ME ALONE! I CAN’T TAKE THIS! HOLY COW!! GOLLY GEE!! AW SHUCKS!! DO I WEAR CLOTHES OR DO I NOT? I WISH MY NAME WAS LEGALLY "SKIPPY!" IT’S SO CLOSE TO BUTT-NAKED WEATHER! The gora-ness was oozing. Now I can’t convincingly prove my next point as convincingly as I have made my previous points, but it was becoming difficult at this point to decipher between John’s sweat and his tears of agony.

Within minutes, this local Starbucks was home to a sea of gora people: men, women, and children alike along with their dogs going through the same pain as John Doe. It was frightening, but in the name of science I sat back and observed. Waiting for that moment to come.

1:47pm...

50 degrees...

Before my own eyes, John Doe transforms Optimus Prime-style (i.e. "Transform and Gora Out!") into the plaid shorts and polo shirt wearing gora person we know and don't necessarily love with a “chipper” attitude sipping on a grande caramel macchiato…iced grande caramel macchiato, that is. Because we reached the the 50 degree threshold, it was like a summer time heat wave was upon us. Even if it were 49.9999 degrees, John would have had that macchiato warm. Mark my words.

Enthralling, huh?

Well, this concludes my in depth exploratory analysis of the Gora 50 Degree Threshold Factor (official article title in the next New England Journal of Medicine issue and JAMA magazine). Many of you may be calling into mind someone you know (or maybe yourself?) who is like John Doe and can relate all too well. For me, this was insightful and fascinating. But fortunately I didn’t have to travel far for my research. All I had to do was call up my homie T and observe. T is the true gora king (GK).

Look (now I have to get serious), I understand that when the weather is nice you may not want to wear heaving clothing, but why reveal yourself entirely? How does that solicit respect when you – male or female – are objectifying your worth and undermining your value? Just something to consider. Don’t go crazy at the site (or feeling) of warm weather. Enjoy it, but don’t distract others or yourself.

And if you work downtown, you know especially what I’m talking about! Women come to work seeming that they’ve forgotten to put on the rest of their clothes. Men gawk and wear less, too, but as a dude, I don’t really notice that.

Oh shoot. I might get in trouble for writing that. I mean, it’s not to say that I’m noticing women downtown. I’m just saying that it’s hard not to, ya know?

Hmm. That probably didn’t help my cause either...

In conclusion, we should all wear modest clothing and save our exposed parts for those who can see it (i.e. one’s spouse or in my case, my friends during my yearly Iftar Party).


Stay true