Raja: Not Living Up to His Last Name

Hi,

This morning I opened my email and was delighted to see a rare email from my fellow Punjabi puthr, Faisal. The subject of the email was "Birds," so right away it caught my attention because I figured that it had to do something with girls and for some reason he decided to go with a more British flavor slang than his usual inner city thug life slang. Instinctively, I opened the email right away in hopes that he had attached pictures of hot desi girls that wanted to marry me. And that's not something to be unexpected with a guy like Raja. I mean, you all know him. He's this city-living desi Punjabi thug that is twice the size of me but all muscle. He's the type of guy that would rather run from the law than give a guy a hug. He also has a smoothed out shaved head (well, more like a ghetto fabulous buzz cut). That's the Raja we know and love.

But today, I can say that I don't know my man Raja anymore. Without further delay, let's get into the email we (he sent it to me, T, AH, Lord V, and Beast) received this morning:

"So for the past few weeks everytime we go up the stairs at home...some birds jump out of th bushes and fly off...so it was weird cuz they were never there before. Well my mom took a peek into the bushes and noticed a nest...with 4 BLUe eggs. I see this robin in the nest all the time...she is not scared of us anymore..she just looks at us...but before she would run...well sunday we woke up..and noticed teh eggs have hatched. pics are attached...birds are soooo small. yesterday i was lookin at them..and they all had their mouths wide open like they were trying to scream...but since they are babies no sound.

crazy thing is...2 weeks ago landscapers came out to tear out front and back yard including all trees/bushes..but they canceled cuz it was raining..if they did then that tree/bush would be gone and that bird would have never layed her eggs..crazy.

nature is just amazing...i'm sounding gayer and gayer...sorry

call me the BirdMan."

This kind of tragic email was immediately followed by another one that reads as follows:
"Birds at 5 days old...pics attached..They grew so big so quick...mother wasn't there...probably out trying to findfood....I moved one branch to get a better look and they woke up...and started opening their mouths thinking mom was back to feed them"

WTF? Where do I begin on this one? I'd like to think that with the Bulls loss, Raja has gone into some form of depression where it's manifested by his true inner gayness with all friends. I can accept that because losing can make you do or say the stupidest things. But, I'm inclined not to give him that one.

I guess I shouldn't make fun of the guy for expressing his appreciation of nature, right? And especially with his loving and poetical words like, "she is not scared of us anymore..she just looks at us...but before she would run..." Vah! Kya shiari! Now if that's not a haiku, I don't know what is, folks.

Raja, the thing is, it's not bad to express your fondness of nature, but you have to do it differently when you send an email out to five of your male friends. Tell us something about tigers. Those are fierce, manly creatures. Tell us how you saw a documentary where a tiger attacked an entire herd of elephants and roared like you do before eating spicy gyros pizza. Or how two lions fought each other in a bloody battle to win over a tigress and claim its territory. At least the five of us could relate to and appreciate that. We would've responded with, "Hell yeah!! Tigers rock!! Faisal, you ARE a tiger! You are the Raja of Tigers!! Long Live Raja! The Raja of All Things Manly!!" But instead, you emailed us about how some cute little baby birdies needed their mommy. What went wrong, Raja?

Are you trying to impress us in a totally deranged manner? Like, do you think that we'll somehow reply back with, "Oh, Faisal! You're soooo cute! Hehe. Your love of nature shows how much of a caring guy you really are. You're so sensitive and have a very pleasant demeanor." I mean, I'm genuinely at a loss here!

Ok, look...tell me that you at least accidentally sent that message to us. That instead it was supposed to go to one of your cousins in Pakistan you're hollering at where you know that they'll say something like, "You're so sweet. I love you." Just tell me that was the case, my fallen brother. Because other than doing ridiculous things out of depression of a Bulls loss, I can at the very least come to terms with a guy saying horrifically uber-sensitive things to a girl to show some sort of compassion you may have despite your rough exterior. Okay? Just tell me that was the f-ing case!! Don't make us question your manhood all together.

Quick question for you, Raja: When the mouts of those birds opened thinking that you were their mommy, did you quickly dig up a worm, put it in your mouth, and feed them?

Ever so eagerly, I am now anticipating another email with the following subject line: "The Birds: Today, They Called me Mommy! Yay!"

Cheers