Remembering Death: On the Passing of My Friend, Matt

A friend and colleague of mine, Matt, passed away this morning.

I will remember Matt for his incredible sense of humor and compassion towards others. He was a guy you could talk to about anything -- from the philosophical to the mundane. He was also competitive, ambitious, and someone who loved to horse around, but always in a way that you couldn’t help but to laugh even if you were the target of his jokes. He respected your beliefs and also stood by the principles of his beliefs, too.

I have known him for almost seven years now. Specifically, we knew each other through our work. In fact, we worked at two different companies together over almost a five year period (it was Matt who convinced me to leave one job for another one).

His sad departure, unfortunately, was imminent. He suffered from kidney cancer, which, after a couple years of battling it, took a bad turn. I tried to get in touch with him, but it was understandably difficult. He was trying to maximize his time with family and close friends. A few weeks ago he had updated his Facebook status to say that he was closing his fb account so he could focus more time with his family and less in virtual space. Actually, he mistyped and wrote that he needed to spend more time in the virtual world, so he immediately followed it up with another status to clarify, “Wait, non-virtual world. See, one more giggle.” Always joking (he later decided to keep his fb up because so many people were writing him well wishes). Of course, his status had me worried that his health was not improving. Shortly after, I received an email from an old co-worker that his time was coming. I emailed her to ask if they had any idea how long, but it was difficult to predict. I texted Matt the same day to see if I could speak to him. I didn’t hear from him until a few days later. His response:

Shak, so, so sorry for not getting back to you. Well, it’s time for me to go. At Peace with everything. Thanks for your friendship and all God’s Love and Blessings to you and your family. Love, xxx.
[Note: didn’t want to include his last name.]

I responded: I’m at a loss of words, xxx. I wish I could still meet with you. I will always admire your strength. I will miss your humor, courage, and most especially friendship. Xxxx [his wife] should know that me & my fam are at your family’s service for anything, anytime. – Shak.

I wasn’t sure what else I could say. I imagine that my response or even lack of response really didn’t concern Matt at that moment. His thoughtful response, which gave me more closure than it probably did for him, spoke to the caliber of his character, however. With what little, precious time he had, he made sure he got back to me. Not only get back to me, but also apologize that he hadn’t done so sooner. But that was just like him to care about others.

That text convo was about 1.5 weeks ago. Today, in another email from the same former co-worker, I was informed the following:

Matt xxxx passed away this morning at 10:40am, surrounded by his family. When I have more information about his funeral arrangements, I'll pass those along.

Strangely, earlier this morning, prior to receiving the email, I was thinking of Matt, wondering if he had passed. Since our text conversation, I would google his name to see if I could find anything. Nothing would turn up. So, in a sense, it was good to know that he has passed away, but I am undeniably sad to receive the news...

I thought about how difficult his last days must have been. How his wife and children were dealing with it. I felt from his text message that, due to his faith, they were able to deal with it in a positive way relative to their situation. I could imagine Matt, an extremely loving father, lovingly explain his inevitable departure to his kids with perhaps a promise that they'll see each other again. That he was off to a better place as so many people, from many different faiths, put it. I could see him telling his sons and one daughter that they should be happy for their dad because of where he is going. But then I think about what he's feeling on the inside: anguish and sadness on missing out on his children's future and well-being; pain to leave his long time love, since his college days, behind; pain to see his father and mother lose yet another son to cancer (one of his elder brothers passed away just a few years ago). You hope for the best for his family, though, and that they maintain a tight connection with one another. That they console each other when feeling vulnerable and especially reminiscent of Matt.

Death is scary. And unpredictable. It sends a cold shiver down the spine. But death can have the inverse effect it has on those who are fortunate to keep going. Meaning that you can also take away some perspective from death; a perspective that should make you live your days much more fully, much more vibrantly, and with much more determination to do more, love more, and count your blessings more.

For one, you hope that the same strength shown as well as the level of acceptance of death Matt had -- being at peace with death, as he told me -- is something that you can grasp and deal with. It then offers reflection as to how you're living your life and life's purpose. Are we maximizing it? How connected are we to the non-virtualness of it? The questions, and sometimes answers that we innately know or have been taught, but ignore, come like a gushing river.

Moreover, as a Muslim, we are encouraged to give dawah to non-Muslims. Essentially, to educate and call others to Islam and our way of life as it is a complete, beautiful, and special way of life. A way to draw near to God and gain His pleasure. From this perspective, I feel as though I failed Matt in this. Sure, we talked about our religious beliefs on occasion and he always appreciated and respected what I told him about our faith. But I can’t help to question if it was enough? Only Allah can change people’s hearts, but could I have been a vessel to carry this out?

Perhaps, at this point, it’s futile to ask with respect to Matt because Allah’s Will has already been carried out. Regardless, I can’t but help to feel this way. I am saddened by losing a friend and I am further saddened by losing out on opportunity. With that thought, I’d like to encourage other Muslims to keep this in mind. I am sure many of us have friends, even good friends, as I still do, who are non-Muslims. How have we tried encouraging or promoting such friends about Islam? How do we not know that even something minor we say to someone cannot impact them through Allah’s Infinite Mercy and turn their hearts to Islam? Will such friends call unto Allah and say that we (me, you, our ummah) didn’t warn them or try hard enough?

In anyone’s death, there should be remembrance of Allah, for we all return to Him (SWT). I pray for Allah’s Forgiveness and Guidance. I pray that He (SWT) allows us to die with strong iman That He (Swt) blesses us with the understanding of reflecting upon death, such that we maximize life. Aameen.


Duas